Gay relationship guilty about hooking up with someone else
Does “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Work in Open Same-sex attracted Relationships?
Here’s our latest issue of “Ask Adam” relationships advice column, which appears monthly in the Advocate.com:
Dear Adam,
My husband and I are thinking about opening up our relationship. We agree that as extended as we don’t acquire to hear about the other guys we act with, we’ll be decent. We also know that if we get the details we’ll be covetous and angry. In your experience does this plan work for gay couples?
Signed,
Ready in Reno
Dear Ready in Reno,
Don’t ask, don’t tell, doesn’t work.
In evidence, from what I’ve seen, it ends in disaster.
If you are not talking about your hook-ups then one of the essential aspects of your life—your sexuality—is off limits for discussion. Your sexuality becomes a secret. As lgbtq+ people we have spent plenty of time keeping our sexuality a secret.
And for many, it started a lifelong pattern of hiding.
Sexual secrets can be hot, but they also keep us separate and disconnected from people we love.
A strong LGBTQ affair gets stronger when a couple learns how to talk about triggering topics in a way that brings them closer together. The ongoing adventure of
Beinggayisn’t what it used to be. As “gay and lesbian” has evolved and expanded into “LGBTQI,” various aspects of LGBTQI, particularly gay relationships, have also opened up to turn into more inclusive as adequately.
Even in the most conservative Donald Trump-supporting circles, they’re not strictly parties of two anymore. On average, roughly half of the people who proposition me on Grindr on any given day might have a partner or approach me as part of a two-for-one-night couple deal. Everybody seems to want more than one these days, and thanks to Grindr, Tinder, and all the other hook-up apps, the possibilities and opportunities are now endless. According to a 2016 U.K. survey, 41 percent of gay men there are currently in or have previously been in an open relationship. That’s a lot of partnered... and looking.
I’ve never been in an open bond, but I have been in about a half dozen threesomes, three of which were with couples who presumably were in open relationships (and all of which started offline). It’s been nearly six years since my last one. That swan-song triple play in Bangkok was with a black guy from Philadelphia and a white Australian who had previously been
It’s probably safe to suppose that the person you’re currently sleeping with slept with someone else before you, but learning about their sexual past can be a tricky issue. In fact, they might have slept with someone else immediately before sleeping with you, if you’re not monogamous.
It might also be safe to suppose that they perfected that move you like so much with someone else. Or that they realized they were into clear spanking with yep, you got it, that Brazilian ex who “helped the flower of their sexuality blossom.” (P.S. puke)
Some of us – my loved one included – don’t fret much about what, (or who) came before us. She says infuriatingly fair things like “It’s none of my business,” or “It had nothing to do with me.” Comments to which I soundly reply by walking away indignantly and cracking expose my copy of When Things Fall Apart.
For others – myself included – hearing about our partner’s sexual past can be difficult, bringing up feelings of fear, insecurity, and a desire to pierce our eardrums with the nearest Q-tip.
You’re not cool, overly rational or avoidantly attached for not having feelings about your partner’s sexual biography, and you’re not weird, broken
Gay Men in Open Relationships: What Works?
Hint: It will take a lot of work.
As a couples counselor working with gay men I am often asked my opinion on monogamy and open LGBTQ relationships. What works for men in long-term relationships? First, the research.
Several research studies show that about 50% of gay male couples are monogamous and about 50% allow for sex outside of the connection. The research finds no difference in the level of happiness or stability among these groups.
Next, my opinions and advice, based on my therapy practice.
Talk About It Openly With Your Partner
If you and your partner want to have a close connection and have additional sex partners, be prepared for a lot of talking. And I’m not just referring to discussions about when, where and with whom. I mean talking about feelings, what we therapists call “processing.”
If that kind of conversation makes you squirm, I know. Most men are not socialized to embrace the sharing of intimate and vulnerable emotions. However, if you aren’t willing to experiment with processing then I suspect the closeness of your relationship may be limited, and you guys could be headed for
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